February 8, 2011

Trying Again.

The Tales of My Demise are Somewhat Exagerated. Unfortunately

One of the best things about blogging, I suppose, is being able to just vomit out whatever crap may be swirling about in your head.

I've ducked out of sight for a while now. I toppled off the wagon, as it were. Not doing the Plus-Size Bloggers Challenge. Not doing Weight Watchers. Not doing anything, it seems, apart from eating my way through my particular frustration and lonliness and sadness and helplessness right now. I haven't stepped on the scales in weeks. I'm terrified of what they will say. And I'm even more terrified of what my reaction will be to what I see.

My sister and I went to a new shopping center that's been built near our house. She tried on cute dresses and sweaters and had a blast. I did everything I could to avoid the reflection of myself in shop windows. I feel fat and frumpy and altogether unappealing. I know that my attitude makes me that much more unattractive. Hello, Vicious Cycle.

Part of me wishes I could run away from my life for about a year to a fat camp. But I'd want the whole world to be put on hold...to be in a deep sleep, like in Sleeping Beauty, while I put myself in the hands of a Ninja of a Personal Trainer and had someone who *made* me eat right and *made* me sleep and *made* me do the things that right now I am having to *choose* to do. And I'm not choosing them.

I feel like a slave to my own life and bad habits. And I don't know how to find freedom. Just wanting it is not enough. I need to get on the right road *out* of this place, but I just seem to keep on staying on the inner lane of the roundabout...circling the landscape of my own bad decisions over, and over and over again.

Plus Size Bloggers Weigh In - October 18

Current Weight - 343.6

Last week - 347.8

Beginning Weight - 348.8

So, this week I lost a total of 4.2 pounds.
I've lost 5.2 in all since the beginning of this challenge.

I have NO EARTHLY idea how I lost this week. I have felt out of control and miserable and have mainly lived the life of the great brown bear...slept and ate. (Sadly, I have not mated, but that is another blog story)

I feel heartened, without a doubt. I was honestly expecting to be back over into the 350's this morning which would have prompted a run through StarBucks for a lovely, creamy-filled Spiced Pumpkin Latte. And now, thankfully, I can do without it.

*phew* I feel like a dodged a bullet. I look forward to seeing how the rest of you critters did!

What You Say....Matters

So, I've been living not-so-blissfully in the land of craptastic for the last few days. I'm having some family issues and some financial issues and some I Probably Just Need To Get Laid issues. And all of that, of course, translates into food issues. Why is it that we let things *outside* of our bodies affect what goes *into* our bodies so much? Well, I do that anyway.

So, this morning I had my regular breakfast which always works for me. And I don't get hungry until my morning snack, around 10, which is an apple, and then I'm good until lunch. But this morning I was hungrier than a homeless hounddog. So I grabbed a dollar bill from my purse, ran to the vending, and bought a BROWNIE. Oh yes, nothing like pre-packaged, God knows how old, faux brownie goodness to set things to the right. *eyepoke*

As I was opening up my brownie, I logged on so I could whine and moan *while* eating the faux brownie....and there they were....comments on my Plus Size Bloggers Challenge post....from people I've never spoken to. Strangers who came by to give encouragement and say hello. People who have no stake whatsoever in how I do or what I eat. People who read Jack Sh*t and Mrs. Fatass and RNTG and KNOW what GOOD BLOGGING looks like.

And yet, they took time for me.

I'm a little wibbly about it, to be quite honest.

So that brownie? Chucked into the trash. I polished my apple and grabbed a wedge of Laughing Cow Light Swiss and was good to go. Still am.

Thank you. You lifted me today. And THAT is a pretty considerable feat, lemme tell ya. You might want to take a rest now.

Plus Size Bloggers Weigh In - October 11

Weight - 347.8 pounds

Let's hear it for a big poo!!!!

My goals for this week are to write everything down. Everything. Every nibble.

Plus Size Bloggers Weigh In: October 4

Weight: 348.8
Chest: 58 inches
Neck: 16 3/4 inches
Waist: 56 inches

Blarg.

I'm only going to check my measurements on the first of the month for this challenge.

I Officially Call A DO OVER On this Week

There are *so* many craptastic things that have marked this week that I hardly know where to begin. The one that is heaviest (haha pun haha) on my heart right now is the fact that Mr. Scale (that bastard) says that I have gained TWELVE FRIGGIN POUNDS since last week.

12. Ladies and Gentlemen, that is TEN PLUS TWO. SIX PLUS SIX. I mean, How the HELL did that happen? That's almost 7,200 calories A DAY OVER what I expended. I am a bit boggled. Part of me wants to utterly chuck my hands in the air and say screw it. But fear not, the other part of me is giving myself a rather harsh spanking and not in the good way. I know that there are things that could *add* to that number...Water Weight....Maybe I need to Poo. Maybe there are Tiny Green Men hiding in my panties. Very small rocks. Wev. Regardless, I've not done a good job of caring for my body this week and that disappoints me with myself. That's code, by the way, for "generally pisses me off". So we move on to the next week, right? We hit it again. I hit it myself. I write down the food. I find ways to move my body, even in increments. I stop whining about it and do something.

Second craptastic thing: Yeast infection. I won't give details on that, but I WILL say that I am all in a dither about where to scratch because there is not only the yeast infection but there is also POISON FREAKING IVY!!!!

Seriously. Just give me a pill and let me sleep for a week until this crap goes away.

I've been reading over at ReResults Not Typical Girl about the Plus Size Bloggers October Challenge I should do this? Y/Y?

Who want's to come join me?

Here's to a more healty, less itchy/scratchy week.